How to Solve Relationship Problems

My wife and I enjoy watching the show 90 Day Fiance on HBO. I am always surprised at how most people don’t understand how relationships work and how to solve problems. My wife and I have not had any issues in our relationship, and they are easily avoided. I don't think I'll ever have a problem.

Does it mean that we will be together forever? I don’t know, but that’s also what brings depth and steadfast love to the relationship, knowing that my partner is continually choosing to be there when she could choose otherwise.

There are definitely some basic principles that can be applied to all relationships. Relationships are not the mystery they appear to be when you understand a few basic things. If you have not already, I encourage you to read Relationship Fundamentals first.

All Feelings Come From Beliefs

One of the basic principles of this reality is that all feelings come from beliefs. Every single feeling that you have comes down to a belief. If there is a fundamental rule to relationships, it is this. You don’t catch feelings from someone else. Love is not something that happens to you or that disappears without your control. Whenever you feel something, it is always the result of a belief. A belief is simply that you know something and you have an opinion about it. It’s always under your control.

Happiness is Under Your Control

This is important because you will never be able to do enough to make your partner happy. They will never be able to do enough to make you happy. I think most of us, if we had the choice, would wish for happiness for others and the world, but we don’t have that power because it always comes down to the decisions that you are making, and that the other person is making. You cannot control what they think or do.

Beliefs Are Expressed Through Action

What determines the feeling we have is the belief we hold. Beliefs are expressed through our actions. Actions speak louder than words. You can think all the things you want, but ultimately you have to act. You act according to your strongest belief. The good news is that you can adopt a new belief and act accordingly. Simultaneously, you cannot act on someone else’s behavior. This is why you cannot change the way they feel.

Take Responsibility

When you feel bad, 100% of the time, it is the result of your negative beliefs. This is also true for your partner. Whenever you find yourself wanting to blame your partner, remember that you are creating the experience, not them. No matter how true or real it seems, you are controlling your emotional experience. Learn how to identify what you feel, and what beliefs are behind them. This is the biggest thing that interferes with relationship success. People blame their partner. They blame other people in their lives. No one else has any power over you and the way that you feel. If it seems that way, it’s because you’re buying into their beliefs. You don’t have to. You have a choice.

If you feel bad for any reason, you can use this approach. Identify your feelings, your beliefs, and choose new preferred beliefs, and then use your imagination to see how a person with those beliefs would behave in this situation.

Just to remind you, you can use the Recast procedure to fix the issue.

Bad Relationships

At first, this might seem like I am saying that you should tolerate foul and abusive relationships. I am not. You should find your own happiness. From a place of joy and strength, you will be in a position of love. From that position of clarity, you can discern the best options. Perhaps your partner is going through a tough time or facing a difficult situation, and you can be there for them. Maybe they need someone else. Possibly, this is not the relationship for either of you. Every situation is different, but from a place of happiness, that decision will be honest, loving, and beneficial to all.

What is Love?

Many people think love is a feeling, but it is much more than that. This is important to understand if you want to be in control of your love. The sense of love is the result of believing that you are in love, and that belief is expressed through action.

I always like the analogy of light. If you shine it through a prism, you will see a rainbow. Each of us is like a color of light. We are each unique and different. White light, however, can encompass all colors, and true and unconditional love does the same.

To truly feel love, you must act like a loving person.

Unconditionally Love

What I suggest is choosing to love your partner unconditionally. Unconditional means without conditions. You do not love them when you do not feel love. If you love based on the feeling of love, then your love is very conditional. Ask yourself what a person who truly loved would do in this situation? Then do that. As I said before, a loving person might say “Goodbye,” but they also might see the challenge the other person is facing and find a way to be supportive.

Right Versus Wrong

One of the significant problems that arises for people is that they think that there are right and wrong things to do. People believe there is some universal “right” way that things should be or not be. And so they create problems. They make red flags. They do all sorts of things and do not take responsibility for how they feel. They blame the other person for not being perfect.

Each of us, coming back to the analogy of light, is a unique wavelength. No two people will ever agree because each of us is different. The ultimate truth is that all truths are true for those who believe them. If you leave some truth out of the equation, you have the ultimate truth minus one. There is no right or wrong. I often see, particularly in certain social circles, that people can agree that some things are good and others are bad. All truths are true, even if they seem contradictory.

Tolerance

Be tolerant and loving of your partner by allowing them to believe what they want to believe. The way that you do this is by taking full responsibility for your feelings. Whenever you think that your partner is in some way in control of your happiness, you are done. You cannot be tolerant if the way another person thinks or behaves makes you feel bad. Whenever you feel bad, always take responsibility for your feelings. Understand your current beliefs and choose new, positive ones.

Trust

People often want to know how to trust in a relationship. Trust is up to you. Doubt is not a lack of trust; it's 100% trust in a negative outcome. Trust in others. This does not mean assuming that the other person will do precisely what you want them to do. This means that no matter what they do, it’s the right solution for you. You may not see how, but trust that it is. That means insisting that there must be some positive aspect for you. Perhaps it means this is not the right relationship for either of you, and you discovered this sooner. Maybe it means that whatever happened is good in some way, but you are being too stubborn to see it.

Stable Love

When you take responsibility for your love by always taking responsibility for your happiness, not blaming your partner, and loving your partner unconditionally, you will have stability. If your partner chooses to stay or leave, you can find your own happiness. And it feels good knowing that the other person is there because they freely choose to be there. And besides, being unconditionally loving and allowing your partner to be who they want to be without judgment.makes you very attractive to them. This gives your parent a sense of security and confidence in you.

Gossip

One big thing is that if you take full responsibility, you will not yell at your partner. You will refrain from gossiping and avoid feeling the need to share your relationship struggles with friends, family, and others. You can own your feelings. Own your choices. You get to decide how you want to feel and what emotional experience you want to have in a relationship.