Why People Like Drama

Pumpkins carved by my kids.

I have noticed in my life, and I see it in others, that sometimes we like problems. We may talk about how we want to be happy and have the problems go away, but on some level, we like the problems. We like listing all of the reasons why our lives are not perfect. Why? What do we get out of this?

My Father

It seemed to me that my father was always worried about money. Emotionally, he wasn’t available because he was always thinking about work and money.

I ask myself, today, being a father myself, and looking back, what could he have done differently? What advice would I have given him? What can I learn from how he lived his life? How can I improve?

I don’t really know what was going on inside of him, but I can guess. I am guessing that he probably wanted to provide for his family, and he probably felt inadequate that he wasn’t doing enough. He probably felt that he wasn’t fundamentally enough and that he was failing.

The result of this was that he acted like he wasn’t enough. He spent money when he didn’t need to and when he didn’t have it. He was emotionally someplace else. Believing he was inadequate made him act like he was inadequate.

The Advice I Would’ve Given

Looking back, if I were to give him advice, I would say, “First, make sure that you work on projects that you enjoy. Do a quality job and don’t try to rush projects and your work because you feel pressured.”

“Second, remind yourself of what you have accomplished. You have achieved some level of success, but you seem to see yourself at the bottom. Accept what you have accomplished and realized that you’re ready for the next step.”

“Third, focus more on a home life. Have a structured routine where we eat dinner together every night, spend time with your wife, and just relax. Be present. When you talk to people, face them, give them eye contact, and listen. Force yourself if you have to. Don’t always be looking at something else, trying to get something done. Just sit and be, even if you’re not sure what to say.”

“Fourth, if, in the future, if you make the money that you think you need, it won’t change our relationship, because our relationship is fundamentally about you, not how much money you have. Having money won’t change my opinion of you. Yes, it would be nicer, but I want a connection. I want a home. I want security. I want someone to be present. All of those things are within your budget.”

“Fifth, be clear about what you want. Setting clear intentions and doing all of the above makes all of us who know you want to see you succeed and support you. Own what you want and accept what you have, rather than wishing for a better tomorrow. Accept that you want something and be okay that you don’t have it right now.”

Problems Give us an Excuse

All of this comes back to the question of why we create problems. Why did he act in a way that actually undermined what he wanted?

I see this in my life too. We like defining ourselves in terms of what’s wrong, because if things were good, then we would have to face ourselves. Instead, we have an excuse to say “Well, I can’t enjoy my life right now, because X, Y, and Z are wrong. Once those are fixed, then I can.” We are afraid to express ourselves, and so we create limitations so that we can avoid facing the fear that we might just have what it takes.

What we all want from others is for them to be themselves and to enjoy their lives. We want them to apply themselves to the things that they love. We want them to be present and connect with us.

They don’t do that because they are afraid that they will not be accepted, and that they will not be enough. So they, like us, make up problems to avoid just being. We make up problems so that we don’t have to risk focusing on the projects and things that excite us, because if we do, we could fail.

On the other hand, if we don’t try and wait for tomorrow, we can’t fail. Then people can’t laugh at us.

The truth is that we can never fail as long as we commit to doing what excites us. That is one thing that we always have control over.

If instead, we choose to be present, pay attention to the people and things right in front of us, we say to the universe, the world, and all that is, that “My life is going the way that I want. I am confident that things are good and will continue to work out for me. I trust in myself and in life. I can have what I want, be a good person, and enjoy my life.”

Be Honest About Your Fears

When you think about the problems in your life, ask yourself, “Why do I want to have this problem? What does this problem allow me to do or avoid doing? How does it allow me to avoid taking responsibility and avoid expressing myself? Why do I like saying that X, Y, and Z are bad and need to be fixed?”

At the end of the day, all feelings come from beliefs. Nothing “out there” is making you feel a certain way. You are choosing to feel the way you are because you are choosing to believe certain things. You may be unconscious about what those beliefs are, but allow yourself to admit them to yourself. The recast procedure is good for this.

Who Would You Be?

Ask yourself, if the problems were resolved, what would you do? Who would you be? How would you live your life? What advice would you give to someone else, a parent, a friend, or a family member in the same situation?

Be the Person You Want to Be

In the end, you have to act like that person and face those fears. The fears don’t go away because you ignore them. They sit there, and your actions silently keep them alive. Be clear about who you want to be and the life you want to have. Insist that you can have what you want, but be okay if it’s not exactly the way you want to today. It’s how you respond to life that matters, not what is actually going on.