How to Change Others
Near the top of Lake Brienz in Switzerland on the Brienz Rothorn cogwheel treain
Do you ever wonder, how do you get others to change? If you do, then you’re in trouble because you can’t control who other people are, and secondarily, who people are is a reflection of who you are. Change who you are, and others will change who they are.
Our Many Faces
Have you ever noticed that you are a different person with one person than another? Each of us has different faces that we present to other people. With some people, we might be maybe happy, excited, friendly, and talkative, and yet with others, we feel awkward and uncomfortable. We’re the same person, so why do we feel different?
The reason is, that the other person affects how you behave and how you feel. At least it seems that way, until you learn how to control it.
What’s really happening is that you are not being the same person in those different situations, because you’re not consciously deciding who you want to be. You’re letting the other person dictate who you are.
No other person can control the way that you feel. You always have complete control because all of your feelings come from your beliefs. The problem is that most people have not consciusly and deliberately decided who they want to be. But you can.
Many people unconsciously live their lives, and as a result they a different person around different people. When you interact with one person who is friendly, kind, and affectionate to others, but is distant to you.
Consider my wife. When she walks into a room, she’s a light in the dark. Everyone seems happier when she’s around.
I always wondered whether this was my biased opinion or if other people felt the same way, and so I have gone out of my way to ask others, and they always agree without hesitation. People are different when they are around her than when they are around others. And some people even feel jealous of her.
What is interesting is that from my wife’s perspective, she doesn’t notice. Because she’s the same person going into each room. She doesn’t see what it’s like when she’s not there. It’s like trying to see the inside of the refrigerator with the door closed. Is the light really off? How do you know for sure?
My wife has a large family. Her mother is one of at least fifteen (the number seems to keep changing) siblings. It’s fascinating to me because they all came from the same family, and each of her mother’s siblings elicits a different response in the people that they meet. Each of them is different and each gets a different reaction from others. Some are more friendly, and some are more thoughtful. Some are more relaxed and free and others are more calm and introspective.
In the end, when it comes to changing others, you cannot. However when you change who you are, you may find that they too seem to change who they are.
If you insist that they need to change, then look in the mirror first. Judging others is judging yourself. On some level, you are doing the same thing. Maybe you think there are right ways and wrong ways to do things. You will find yourself judging yourself for whether you are doing the right or wrong thing. You may feel judged by others.
Look at politics. I often laugh when I see the political dynamics. For example, there will be some politician who is strong-willed and opinionated, and others will push back. What I find fascinating is that people will fight back, saying that they don’t like opinionated and strong-willed people, yet they themselves are being strong willed,. opinionated, and trying to control others.
No worries however. If you feel that the other person needs to change, or you don’t like their behavior, there are a few things you can do. First, remind yourself that the other person can never make you feel a certain way. They have no power over the way that you feel. Own your feelings and stop blaming others.
Ask yourself why you feel the way you do. Behind every feeling is a belief. In particular, look for the deepest beliefs, which are always beliefs about yourself. For example, going back to the angry people who hate whatever politician, the reason they hate is because they themselves feel powerless on some level. They feel threatened. They feel out of control. They feel others control their lives or can influence them.
Be conscious of what your deepest beliefs are. There is nothing wrong with taking action, but it should be from a place of love for all of those involved, not in an attempt to “stop the evil.” That loving perspective only comes from being aware of your deepest beliefs and acting in a positive, empowered way.
Look at the different people in your life and ask, “How would I want to be treated if I were that person?” Validate their point of view. You don’t have to sacrifice who you are. Just because one person likes chocolate ice cream and you don’t know, doesn’t mean there’s a problem. You can acknowledge and allow the values of others without sacrificing your own.
Maybe there is someone you want to have a loving relationship with, and they are being cold to you. Ask yourself, “If I had a loving relationship with this person, how would I behave? How would I treat them? How would I treat them when they are cold?” It might be that you just leave them alone and be available for them when they are more receptive. It might be that you’re more friendly and outgoing. It might mean that you’re more affectionate. Maybe you simply allow them to dislike you, and be ready if they ever decided to change.
This is not simply a nice philosophy. And I first noticed this firsthand years ago when I was in college. Although at the time, I didn’t really understand the mechanics behind it, I decided to make a habit of saying “Hi,” to everyone that I saw. Since I was at college, I frequently saw the same people, however it wasn’t long before I had a lot of new friends. People were talking to me and having conversations, all because I changed the way that I treated them. I was seen as being friendly and kind.
Change who you are, you will be surprised by how people change who they are.
