Why Do People Not Change?
A photo of me and my daughter in a Baby Bjorn somewhere in Virginia
I notice that some people just don’t seem to change. They just get stuck in life. Every day seems to be the same. Life just seems to pass them by.
Start By Asking Yourself: “What Do I Want?”
A key part of changing is first simply acknowledging that you want a better life and that you want to enjoy life more. That’s an important awareness to have. If you’re happy with life, then there’s no reason to change.
I see people who are not happy with their lives. They are bored. They are depressed. They feel stuck. But what is ironic to me is that they do not do anything about it. Why not? And my question is, how can I support them so that they can enjoy their lives more?
To me, the first step for someone to change is to simply acknowledge that they want things; to consciously admit that they want things. I think everyone wants things, but sometimes people are not honest with themselves about the fact that they want them. Simply identifying what you want, I think, is the first step. If you don’t know where you want to go, then how can you get there?
Ask People What They Want
I think an answer comes down to simply asking people what they want. This gets the mind working. I asked Google AI for suggestions, and here is what it said: I am not sure I like all of the responses, but they give me ideas.
Sat Dec 6, 9:06AM EST
Asking people directly "what they want" can indeed feel blunt or awkward, potentially putting others on the spot. Instead of a single direct question, you can use several more natural and open-ended conversation starters to encourage people to think about their goals, desires, or aspirations in a relaxed way.
Here are some suggestions categorized by approach:
Focus on Aspirations and Dreams
These questions use a more positive, forward-looking frame that invites people to think big without feeling pressured.
"What’s something you’ve always wanted to learn or try?"
"If you had a totally free weekend with no obligations, what would you do?"
"What kind of future are you excited about creating for yourself?"
"Are you working on any personal projects or hobbies right now that you're passionate about?"
Focus on Wants within Specific Contexts
Narrowing the scope makes the question feel less overwhelming and more relevant to the immediate situation (work, a project, a shared event, etc.).
For professional settings: "What's the main thing you hope to achieve with this project/role?" or "What does success look like to you in this situation?"
For social/casual settings: "What kind of experience would make this evening/trip perfect for you?" or "Is there a specific vibe or outcome you’re hoping for from this event?"
Use Hypothetical Scenarios (The "Magic Wand" Approach)
This technique makes the topic playful and removes the seriousness, allowing people to express desires they might otherwise feel shy about.
"If you had a magic wand and could change just one thing about [topic: your job, this situation, your weekend], what would it be?"
"In an ideal world, what would your next step look like?"
"If money/time were no object, what would you be doing?"
Focus on Needs and Satisfaction
This approach is softer and focuses on closing a gap between the current state and a desired state, rather than demanding someone articulate a grand "want."
"What do you need more of in your life right now?" (e.g., quiet time, excitement, new connections)
"What would make your current situation better or easier?"
"How could we make this experience more enjoyable/impactful for you?"
Tips for Delivery
Timing and Tone: Ensure your tone is genuinely curious and supportive, not demanding or interrogational.
Active Listening: The goal is a conversation, not just an answer. Listen intently to their response and ask genuine follow-up questions.
Share First (Optional): Sometimes it helps to share your own aspirations first: "I've been thinking about how much I want to travel more. It got me thinking, what's something you really want right now?" This lowers their guard and sets a relatable context.
