Why Do People Choose Misery?

A photo of my son and I at the top of Spruce Peak in Stowe, Vermont.

One of the things that has always fascinated me is why people choose misery. A person can be presented with two choices: one positive and one negative, and they will choose the negative.

Do You Know Someone Who Chooses Misery?

I am sure that you know of people who have a path that they can take to make their lives better, but then they choose not to do it. Can you think of some people? What advice would you give them? Can you take the advice yourself?

Some Examples

Example 1: Making More Money

For example, the following is a situation that I have seen often. A young company, A Inc., is growing fast and making a lot of money. A Inc. requires the services of B. Inc., and A Inc. pays a lot for those services. One of A’s employees, Mike, is an expert in this technology. The CEO of the company goes to Mike and says, “Hey Mike, we pay a lot for the services of company B, and you are an expert. I will make you a deal. We can start a company C that does the same thing as company B. I will give you the company and 51% ownership so that you are in charge. You will make more money doing the same job, and it will be cheaper for me. Are you interested in starting C?” To which Mike will inevitably say “No.”

Mike would benefit in every single positive way, but he still says “No.” Why?

Example 2: Losing Weight and Being Healthier

Another example is that I see people who want to be healthy and lose weight. There are many ways to lose weight, and one of the ones that I feel confident in is a Ketogenic or even Carnivore diet. Success rates are very high. Much of the research and studies show that success rates for weight in health are often close to, if not, 100% success or improvement. So why isn’t everyone doing this?

In practice, people say that “It’s hard.” But really, it is quite simple. They say things like they have “cravings for carbs,” but that is not about actually “needing” food because these people are overweight. They obviously don’t need more food. They eat for emotional reasons, and what that means is that there are other ways for them to be even happier than they are now, if they were to even just try to find them. Is there really no other way to be happy than eating?

I want to be clear, I understand that the body is complicated. I understand that, like breathing, you can’t just hold your breath forever. For example, many people who go on starvation diets frequently rebound higher and even gain weight. For example, one study that fascinated me was done on rats.

They took one group, and the goal was to reduce their weight. They fed them a high-carb diet. If the rats gained weight, the scientists reduced the calories to try to maintain the same weight. Oddly, the rats continued to gain weight despite reducing calories. As they reduced the calories, the rats continued to get fatter, and they had to reduce the calories even more. In other words, carbohydrates may actually contribute to fat accumulation and do not provide sufficient nutrition, as evidenced by the rats' continued hunger.

Another group of rats was given a low-carbohydrate, high-fat diet, and the opposite occurred. The rats lost weight. The scientists increased the amount of food, but still the rats kept losing more weight. The rats were satiated on a high-fat, low-carb diet.

I am not here to say a high-fat, low-carb, ketogentic diet is the best idea or the only idea, but only to point out that at least it is a plausible solution that should be considered. It is clear that people who go on a starvation (calorie-restricted diet) diet have very low success rates, and simultaneously, there are plenty of people who have had long-term success on a keto-genic or carnivore diet. However, instead, many people will fight this, rather than trying to understand it, or at least genuinely looking at what is possible.

That is the point that I find most fascinating. Many people, when presented with something that could make their lives better in every possible way, will not even seriously research it or consider it. Instead, they react with negativity and offense.

I want to emphasize that I am not faulting these people. I just want to emphasize that the causes are clearer and deeper. Why would someone deliberately choose an option that they know will not give them what they want?

Example 3: Cancer Treatment

I notice something similar to cancer. I am afraid to tell people that there is actually a cure, or to be more technically correct, a strong solution to reduce cancer, and dramatically improve the well-being of cancer patients without or with minimal chemotherapy. In theory, no chemotherapy is needed. But nonetheless, people don’t want to hear this, and they seem to get angry at even hearing it. Why?

They Don’t Believe a Positive Outcome is Possible and Easy

I think the reason we choose more painful options in life is because of three fundamental beliefs. First, they believe there is always a price to pay. The greater the gain, the greater the price. They don’t believe that they can have their cake and eat it too. Second, they don’t believe that life can be 100% enjoyable. Third, they don’t want to succeed. They want to blame reality rather than take responsibility, because otherwise they might just have to do something about it.

If the person suffers, struggles in some way, or has a negative opinion, rather than taking the time to understand why, they accept that negativity as true. They don’t say “Oh? Interesting, I am feeling negative here. Why? Why do I have a negative reaction to this idea? If it were true, it could help me or make my life better. Why would I refuse it? Or why am I having this craving right now? I obviously don’t need junk food or carbs. So, why do I want it?”

Simply asking this question, “How can I have what I want and enjoy the process of getting it?” is a huge start. Then, they can look for answers to that question, rather than assuming that it’s hard and that it’s a struggle. It doesn’t have to be a struggle. Getting what you want can not only be easy but also easier and more fun than your current approach. You can then begin to find the “proof” that it’s possible. When you see something that disuades you, ask, “How can the opposite be true?“

In the end, the reason why I think people choose misery and refuse to change is that, fundamentally, they don’t believe in themselves and that a positive outcome is possible for them.

How Do We Support Others?

The question is, how do we support these people? I think the first is by being a positive example. When people can say “Oh! She or he does this and looks at them! It works!” The second thing we can do is to allow them to make poor choices and not judge them for it. Allow them.