We Are Not Social Creatures

The Aareschlucht in Switzerland.

So people think that we are social creatures. But what does that mean? Yes, many people do indeed interact with other people, but what exactly is the definition of being a social creature? I ask this because I think many people insist that we need others. They define themselves and their lives by the approval of others. They seek approval from others. They feel bad and say it’s because this person did this or said that. Or maybe it’s because of what they didn’t do.

It’s Your Choice

People think that their happiness depends upon others. The truth, however, is that it doesn’t, unless you want to insist that it does. If you do, that’s fine, but own that it’s not a fact but simply your decision. Be honest with yourself.

While we do need others on some basic level, because otherwise there would be no new humans, that doesn’t mean that our feelings depend upon others. It doesn’t mean that our day-to-day experience has to depend upon others.

Our feelings are one hundred percent under our control because of one simple rule: all feelings come from beliefs.

If we feel a certain way around certain people or in a certain social situation, or in response to the way other people behave, it’s not because of what they are doing or not doing. It’s because we are having an emotional reaction to what they are doing. The root of that emotional reaction is our beliefs. Other people cannot affect us at all, unless we choose to allow them to, by having beliefs which make their actions relevant to us.

Happiness Is In Your Power Alone

I bring this all up because I find that many people are unhappy, and they feel the cause of their unhappiness has something to do with other people. Many people important in their lives have treated them poorly. Many of your parents didn’t treat you the right way and were mean to you. Maybe people don’t love you. Maybe certain relationships are going well or not well. Maybe the people you work with are not giving you the credit you deserve, or they are treating you poorly or not respecting you.

The Critic is the Loser

Whatever is going on with others, it doesn’t matter unless you decide that it does. When you do, you give up your ability to do anything about it, and you become a victim. Whenever you find yourself saying that “This person is bad!” or “If this person only behaved this way!” or “If we could only get rid of that person!” You have lost. You have lost because you have given away your power to the other person.

Take Back Your Power

Never blame other people for the way that you feel. Always own it. All feelings come from beliefs. So identify what you must believe, and in particular, what you must believe about yourself to feel the way that you feel. Rather than saying something like “That person did me wrong!” acknowledge that you feel disrespected and perhaps powerless and say something more constructive like “I am feeling powerless right now.” That is at least owning it and starting to point you in a direction in which you can actually solve your problem.

Recast

And as a final reminder, remember that you can use the Recast procedure to find a way out of feeling bad.