Communication Hacks

Our golden retriever, Dug, always wants to be affectionate.

I am no expert on communication, and I have made a great effort to improve. Over the years, I have found a few simple tricks to really help me.

Hack #1: Ask a Question

Guess what someone’s intention is and ask if it’s true.

Many people might call this setting boundaries, but instead, making people aware of what the boundaries seem to be can usually eliminate the need to set them.

Consider the following. Have you ever been in a situation where, when you’re interacting with someone, the energy feels “off?” They say something or ask something, and you just feel some negativity. At the same time, you can’t pinpoint it and don’t want to make false assumptions. or cause trouble. You’re not sure how to respond.

In those cases, invariably, there is almost certainly some boundary violation going on. When any person speaks, there is an intention behind their speech. They are communicating for some reason. Maybe they want validation. Maybe they want something from you. Maybe they don’t like you. Maybe they feel threatened by you. They have some motive behind their actions, but often it’s not clear.

In those situations, it’s often easy to make false assumptions, overreact, and cause more trouble.

A simple but classic example that happened to me when my kids were young was this. One of them would come to me and say, “I am hungry.” Like most parents, at first I felt a need to satisfy their needs and feed them. That may work somewhat for children, but those children also will be adults someday, and we want to teach them better ways to communicate. Not everyone will love them as we do.

Also, when we deal with adult relationships and situations, we do not always want to give people what they want, and we’re not sure how to respond to statements like this. Fortunately, there are ways to respond constructively. If you don’t know how to respond, it’s easy to get manipulated by continually satisfying people’s little or large requests rather than causing trouble.

The problem with statements like “I am hungry,” or whatever their statement is, is that you are put in a position where you feel sort of obligated to comply. Perhaps it’s statements like “You didn’t give me the money,” “This is not fair,” “You always do that,” or “You haven’t responded.” Keep in mind these are statements. They are not questions.

However, there is a simple and safe way to respond that helps everyone grow and establishes boundaries. You can ask a particular question. You do that by first guessing what their intention is. It’s okay if you get it wrong. Then you can simply ask them if that is their intention.

For example, if a child says, “I’m hungry,” you ask, “Are you asking me to make you food, or are you looking for suggestions?”

This puts you back in a position of control of your life. You help the child clarify and respectfully get what they want. You help the child better understand their feelings. You're now in the position where, if they ask the question, you can freely choose how you will respond.

It’s okay if you get it wrong, because you’re acknowledging upfront that it’s a guess and that you’re unsure. You’re not committing them to a position.

If a person says, “You didn’t give me the money,” you can say, “Are you asking me to give you the money right now?” Or perhaps “Are you saying that I am a bad person because I did not give you the money?”

Many people are often not conscious of their own intentions. And so, translating back to them what you think their intention is is helpful. It calls them out. Second, you might be completely incorrect. I know, for example, that when I get confused about something, some people respond to my tone as if I am upset or criticizing them. They are misunderstanding me. Third, when you ask someone what their intention is, you are not judging them. You are allowing them to clarify for themselves what is going on. You’re helping them communicate better. You are helping them to be more conscious communicators.

As another example, if a person says, “That is not fair,” you can say, “Are you asking me to change the decision?” or “Are you saying that I am a bad person?” Sometimes people don’t realize that they are being rude, and this is a simple way for them to be aware and retract their statement. When people are a bit irritable, you will find they will, in most cases, recognize what they are doing, correct themselves, and get back into a better mood, instead of escalating the situation.

Everyone will respond differently to your request for clarification. In some cases, people might take your reply question as an attack. They might say something, “I didn’t say that! You’re putting words in my mouth!” Again, you can just say, “I am sorry. I am just trying to understand your point of view. I am confused. I don’t know what you mean. What do you mean?”

Many people have a knee-jerk reaction to respond to anything that a person says. That’s how arguments get started. You do not need to be one of those people. Respond with a question instead.

Hack #2: Say Yes If…

Instead of saying “No,” say “Yes, if…”

Sometimes you’re put into a situation in which someone wants something from you. They ask. They ask clearly and politely. However, in this case, you do not want to give them what they ask. This can get awkward because many people don’t like hearing “no,” and you might be afraid to say it. You might feel pressured.

Instead, don’t say “no,” say “Yes, if…” Put terms and conditions on the yes. You can make those terms and conditions difficult to meet. You can put any conditions you want on a “yes.”

Obviously, there are certain situations in which a “no” is important and necessary. But for many situations, you can get out more gracefully by saying “Yes, if…”

Sometimes, it’s a simple request someone is making. Still, say “Yes, if…” For example, when I deal with customers, they might say, “Can I pay this (lower) price instead?" You might be fine with it and still want to accept the deal, but instead say “Yes, if I can have more time, “ or “Yes, if you leave me a good review, “ or “Yes, if you accept this slightly lower quality thing.”

Maybe a child wants to buy something at the store. Instead of simply saying “No,” you can say “Yes, when you complete this job,” or “Yes, if you use your own money,” or ”Yes, if it’s below $5.” Couple the yes with something that you desire or that is acceptable to you.

Hack #3: Say it Differently

When you don’t understand someone, ask the question differently or ask them to say it differently.

I had the opportunity to work with a well-recognized scientist and doctor at Harvard University’s Massachusetts General Hospital. He was a leader. He had many younger scientists and doctors working for him. These people came from all over the world to work with him or meet with him.

For many of these people, English was a second language, very different from their native language; they had strong accents, and when combining that with advanced scientific material, it was often hard to understand them or have conversations with them.

I was always impressed with how the doctor dealt with it. I am not sure that anyone else even noticed what he was doing, but I did.

I don’t think I ever heard him say “What?” Simultaneously, when people didn’t understand what he said, he didn’t repeat himself. Both situations can be embarrassing and hinder conversation. Instead, he would say the same thing differently. Or he would ask the same question completely differently.

For example, if a scientist said something nonsensical, like “I did blah blah blah garbage…” he would say, “Oh, nice. Why did you decide on that procedure? Or where can I find more information on it?” Or if he asked a question like “How long did it take to complete that procedure?” and the scientist was clearly confused by the question and did not understand, he would reply with “When did you start, and finish?”

In short, whenever there was confusion, he would say the same thing in a completely different way. He wouldn’t simply repeat himself, nor would he ask the speaker to repeat themself. I have found this very useful, rather than getting to “What?” over and over again.