Relationship Fundamentals

Many people struggle with relationships, but some fundamental ideas can help, and I think anyone can find success no matter what. While I am generally referring to romantic relationships, this applies to all relationships. I’ve been in a stable relationship for years, and we have had zero arguments or fights.

Can I guarantee that it will always last? No, but I can guarantee that, at least from my side that my love will be stable and that I am happy.

All Feelings Come From Beliefs

If there is a golden rule for relationships, this is it. All feelings come from beliefs. Every single feeling that we have comes from a belief. A belief is simply that we know something and have an opinion about it.

No One Can Make You Happy

What this means in practice is that no one else will ever have the ability to make you happy, and they cannot make you feel bad. Our feelings are always the result of what we are thinking and the decisions that we are making about what’s going on.

Look in The Mirror

Anytime you feel bad, remember you feel bad because of your beliefs and the decisions that you’re making. If you feel like your partner needs to change, or the world needs to change, it’s your beliefs about the world, not the other person, that is causing the issue. It’s up to you.

How Do You Find Love

When it comes to finding love, there are two aspects: finding a relationship to start with and finding love in a relationship that you are already in.

Why Do We Want Relationships?

We want a relationship for the same reasons that we want anything, because we think it will provide us with some emotion that we don’t currently possess. We want to feel a certain way. However, other people and things cannot give us emotions. Things and people do not “inject” feelings into us. I think many of us and our partners would love for the other person to be happy, but they don’t have the power to make us happy, no matter how hard they try.

How to Answer This Question

To answer the question of why you want a relationship, you can simply imagine that you are in a relationship, a relationship that is perfect for you. As you do so, pay attention to what you are feeling. Take out a sheet of paper, or use the notes app on your phone. Make a list of the three biggest feelings that you would have if the relationship were perfect. There are many emotions, but I find narrowing them down to three makes it much easier. For me, I know it’s security, acceptance, and happiness.

Where Do Feelings Come From?

Knowing what you would feel can help you a little bit; to answer the bigger question, where do feelings come from? Why do you feel or not feel certain things? How do you achieve the emotional experience that you want? This is where it comes back to the idea that all feelings come from beliefs. The reason we feel or do not feel those emotions is because we are or are not expressing the beliefs behind those emotions.

We Contain All Beliefs

Many people, when they hear this, want to get rid of the negative beliefs and adopt the positive ones, but that’s not possible. You contain all beliefs. Beliefs are like recipes or apps on your phone. They are only useful when you use them and take action. Actions make a belief official.

How Do We Feel A Particular Emotion

So, how do you generate the feelings that you want to feel? While you can imagine what you would feel, this is generally fleeting and unstable. Instead, you have to act like a person who feels these things. To feel a particular emotion, imagine that you did feel that way.. Focus on the feelings, then use your imagination to see what actions you would be taking. What would you be doing? What do you see yourself doing? This list of actions is your recipe.

In my case, when I first started doing this, I saw myself taking a greater priority in doing things I enjoyed. I saw myself taking walks, watching movies that I liked, cooking nice meals for myself, and in general, intentionally living my life the way I wanted.

Sometimes I struggle imagining what I would do if I felt a certain way. Usually, this is out of fear, because I am afraid to do the things that I want to do, and on some level, I want to blame the world for my not feeling well. The world seems very real. In these cases, I find it helpful to look at different people that I know or that are in my life, and ask what advice I would give to them if they wanted to feel a certain way. It’s much easier to judge others. At other times, I imagine what someone I admire would do in my situation.

Why Do We Need A Relationship?

If we can make ourselves happy, then why do we need a relationship at all? The answer is that we don’t. We are in a relationship because we enjoy loving someone. We are not doing it to get anything in return. We love simply because it feels good to be a light in someone else’s life.

In my case, I found that once I embodied the traits that I felt someone else could give, I wanted to share those with others. I wanted to be a person who gave security, acceptance, and happiness. I found myself attracted to different people. I was no longer looking for someone to come and save me.

Whether they love us back or not does not matter. If they do, it’s a bonus. We allow the other person to be who they are. We love them simply because we love them. It’s a one-way street. Can I guarantee that they will love me forever? No. But that’s also what makes it special. When a person chooses to be with me because of their own free will and choice, it’s a very powerful experience.

Love and Unconditional Love

I suggest unconditionally loving all people. The word “unconditional” is important because it emphasizes that it is love without conditions. You love someone no matter what they do.

Not Tolerating Bad Relationships

Loving unconditionally does not mean tolerating bad or abusive relationships. In fact, from a place of love, seeing the truth is much easier. When you learn to find your happiness and can love a person no matter what, you develop clarity. In many cases, you might simply say, “I do not make you happy,” or “this isn’t the type of relationship that I want,” and you can comfortably tell someone else, “Look, I am not the person for you. I cannot make you happy. You should be with someone who does. You’re asking me, or I need to be someone I am not.”

Although, as a side note, I will say that I’ve certainly found myself wanting to say that I am not right for someone and they should go with someone else, because I feel insecure and not good enough, and I am afraid to face my own insecurities. So get happy first.

What is Love?

Love may sound like a mystery, but it is not. I often see people talk about it like it’s some magical force, and in many ways it is, but it is something we can understand. First, love is both an action and a feeling. That is an important distinction to make. Often, people will say “I don’t feel love,” thinking that love is happening to them, and not realizing that a lack of the feeling of love means you’re not acting lovingly. I will explain how to generate the feeling of love, but I think it helps to provide some fundamentals first.

Love is Like Light

Unconditional love is like white light. If you take white light and shine it through a prism, it’s split into a rainbow. Each of us, as a unique individual, is like a unique wavelength of light. Each of us will uniquely see the world, like no one else.

The Ultimate Truth - There is No Right or Wrong

This comes down to the concept of the ultimate truth. People often want to believe there is some fundamental truth, but what is true for one person is not necessarily true for another. Look at politics. Two people can believe completely different things and each can readily prove and feel confident in their point. The ultimate truth contains all truths; leave one out and it is the ulitimate truth minus one.

It’s not “this way” or “that way”, it’s both. What this means is that you will never agree 100% with anyone. Each of us sees the world differently. Whenever you feel your partner is wrong, that’s a decision that you are making. It doesn’t matter how much society tells you that “this is right and this is wrong,” it’s your decision at the end of the day.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is like white light. It’s capable of seeing all the colors equally. But like I said, love is both a feeling and an action. If you want to feel a certain way, you have to act like you feel it. If you do not feel love, and then do not love, you are using your feelings to define your experience, and you will have a very rocky relationship and find yourself never really happy, because feelings change. If you love only when you feel love, that is a very conditional love. Instead, ask yourself, if I loved this person, what would I do? How would I act? Then act that way. When you do that, your feelings will change. The love will come back.

Unconditional Love is a Decision

In the end, unconditional love is a decision. You have to decide, do you want to love this person no matter what, unconditionally? As I mentioned before, this does not mean tolerating a bad relationship. An unconditionally loving person might say that this is not the relationship for the other person, but it comes from a place of your strength and happiness. You have to love even when you don’t feel love.

Stability in Relationships

So when it comes to finding stability in a relationship, it comes down to deciding whether you want to love someone unconditionally or not. And, by the way, this is a very attractive quality. Think about the people you feel the safest and most comfortable with. They are the ones who love you no matter what. No matter whether you do something right or wrong. They understand and have compassion.

Dealing With Problems

What do you do when you have problems in a relationship? There are many ways you can deal with this. You can simply go back to the three emotions that you wanted out of a relationship, focus on those, how you would behave if you felt that way, and then act that way. Action is what makes your beliefs official.

Another approach is you ask, “What would an unconditionally loving person do in this situation?” Then just do that.

However, the thing that I usually do is the recast procedure, which I will make a separate post about. The basic idea is to ask yourself, “What must I believe to be feeling this way?” Identify your core beliefs, then ask what you would prefer to believe. Imagine how a person with the preferred belief would act, and then act that way.

Trust

The last thing that is worth mentioning is the idea of trust. People often want to know “How do I trust someone?” or “How do I know this is the right relationship?” The secret is understanding that we are always 100% trusting. When we feel fear or doubt, it is not a lack of trust; it is 100% trust in a negative outcome. And you can ask yourself what you want to believe, and then act that way. No person will ever be able to give you security, because a lack of trust always comes from you. And remember, the ultimate truth, that no one will ever 100% agree with you.

In my case, I find that a lack of trust usually originates from many beliefs. I didn’t think that I was good enough for the other person. I was afraid they would leave. I was afraid that I couldn’t handle their life. I was afraid that I could handle whatever might happen in the relationship. I was afraid that others would laugh at me if my partner did something like “cheat.” These things have become a non-issue for me when I learn to trust. Even in the case of cheating, I know my partner well enough and love them honestly and unconditionally, to see whether they are happy with me and the relationship, and even whether other relationships might suit them better.

Conclusion

I hope this helps you find the success in relationships that you want. This approach has never failed me and I hope you find your own success.