Bad Habits

Testing my new camera with my golden retriever Dug.

I have had habits that I wished I could change, and I have found a way to do so. This is not a method that I created, but rather one based on what I learned while at Harvard’s psychiatric hospital, as well as aliens.

Recently, I had two habits that I wished to change. At first, I wasn’t even aware that I had these habits. I might even call them addictions, but I think that undermines the challenges of people who have more serious substance abuse issues. It also makes dealing with it more challenging because it implies it’s out of my control or hard.

Instead, I realized that I have what might be called a food addiction as well as a money addiction. What does that mean? That means that I am using something external to manage my emotions. When I feel bad, my default approach has been to go to food or money. Eating good food makes me feel good, and spending money makes me feel good. The problem is that they both create negative effects in my life. I end up with a bigger waist and less cash. I have less of the life I want.

You Can’t Stop a Habit

Whenever I hear someone say, “I’m going to stop doing this from now on. or I am going to control this, or I will start doing this from now on,” I say nothing, but I realize that that person is going to fail. How do I know that?

Once a person decides that they want to stop a habit, they often find that they can’t. Perhaps they can do it temporarily, but it will return. Why? The reason is that a habit is not happening to us. It’s a choice that we continue to make. Once we are aware of a habit, we consciously decide to perpetuate it. Every time we do that habit, a little voice, maybe very quickly, will say “Aha!” to draw our attention to it. We can push it away by saying “It’s too hard,” or “next time,” or we can make a new decision.

We Enjoy the Bad Habit

We always have a choice over how we will behave. The reason we continue to engage in unpreferred habits is that we derive some emotional benefit from them. There is some emotional reward.

For example, while I am not overweight, I could see that I have a little bit of fat. I am not one hundred percent lean. So when I have a desire to eat, I can look at my belly and say, “I don’t need to eat. I clearly have extra calories, and I ate as much as I could at my last meal.” I am not actually starving or even on a restricted diet. The reason I eat is that I enjoy the food.

Is It Really The Most Enjoyable Thing?

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the food. The problem is that what I am saying on a deeper level is that nothing is more enjoyable in those moments than eating food. And simultaneously, it contradicts my desires to be healthy and lean, as well as the approach that I believe in. I am doing it to fill an emotional void, and I don’t believe that there is something more enjoyable that I can do instead. I believe the only approach to my happiness is through eating. I don’t believe that I can do something else and find an equal or higher happiness. That’s the addiction. I put food as the highest priority. Is food really the only way that I can enjoy my life? Or spending money?

The solution is that I have to find another way to enjoy life. I have to find other ways to make myself happy. I have to resolve that emotional void. I know that in my case, one reason I feel uncomfortable and want to eat or spend money is that I feel inadequate just sitting and being. I feel inadequate just doing something seemingly mundane, like staying home and watching TV, reading, or going for a walk, and instead I want to do something, anything, to avoid that feeling. Am I good enough if I just sit? Am I lazy if I just want to sit? Am I boring if I don’t travel or buy stuff? Can people love me just for me? Am I good enough just as I am?

A Parenting Doctor

When my kids were younger, I tried to learn as much as possible about parenting so that I could be the best father that I could. I remember telling one doctor that when my daughter got upset, I could give her a popsicle, and often she would be happy. My doctor explained that that’s fine, and it’s good that your daughter can find happiness, but it’s like arrows in a quill. You want to give her options. You want her to find multiple ways to find her happiness; otherwise, she will develop addictive and obsessive behaviors.

She said, “Don’t always give her a popsicle. Find another wasy to make her happy. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe go swinging. All of these types of things can help. You want to show her that there are many ways to be happy.”

Find a More Enjoyable Behavior

If I want to stop the bad habits, I have to realize why I am doing those things. I have to identify the beliefs. Then I have to find new, more positive ways to meet that emotional need. It could be just sitting and realizing that my family and wife will love me the same, even more, if I just be more present rather than resorting to eating or spending money.

Fundamentally, to stop a behavior, you need to find a new behavior that is more positive than the behavior that you want to stop. This also goes for starting a new habit. It has to be enjoyable. You have to want to do it.

At first, it can be hard to see how something can be more enjoyable. That’s essentially the problem. You have a limited view of what your options are. In my case, I started by saying, “I know I can enjoy myself regardless of whether I spend money.” At first, this just seemed impossible. I wanted so many things. There are so many things that I want to do. Without money, I cannot do them.

To solve this, I have been clear that I can enjoy my life. I make an effort to sit and think, “How can I enjoy my life (without spending money)? Not only how can I enjoy it, but how can I enjoy it even more?” This is not about tolerating the old desires; it’s about finding something even better.

The answers don’t always come right away, and at first, it seemed like an impossibility. But this is where I had to be persistent and insist upon seeing. I said to myself, “I don’t see how I can enjoy myself without spending money, but I wish to see how.” And then I just left it at that. You can say, “I wish to see how I can enjoy being the way I want to be, but I don’t at the moment, and that’s okay. I will be open-minded to seeing ideas as they come, and at least acknowledge that it’s possible. I can be the person that I want to be and enjoy my life.”

Bad Things are Good Things

When bad things happen in our lives or when we are frustrated, we feel bad. However, remember that all feelings originate from our beliefs. The reason that you feel bad is that you have negative beliefs about what is happening. It doesn’t mean that you should pretend that bad things are good, but that there is something positive that you are failing to see or refusing to see.

When trying to see the positive side of a situation, some people can resort to doing two things. First, they try to be positive when they are not. They are “fake” positive. The second is that they view the positive as a means of avoiding a negative. Well, if I had done this thing that I wanted to do, then some bad thing would have happened. These approaches are fine, and at least they are a little better, but they are weak.

Instead, realize that your current situation is not only okay, but better than the alternative. You have the opportunity to do something positive. This serves you in some positive way. Not only that, but it is essential for you to enjoy life.

Your Current Situation is Essential

This approach is critical when you find that certain situations keep repeating themselves. As I heard someone say, “When the car drives by and splashes you with mud, if another car comes along and does the same thing, it’s not the same car. It’s a different car. You’re having the same experience because you're reacting in the same way. You’re recreating it. Find a more positive, genuinely positive way to respond, and you’ll find that the car will stop splashing you.”

I think a fundamental question that you can ask, whenever you feel frustrated or want to change a bad habit, is to ask, “How can I enjoy something else more?" Maybe, as I know is the case for me, I can face my fears that I am okay just as I am, and I am not inadequate, and I don’t need to be doing more than I am doing.